


I don't wanna listen anymore

by GroundZero_V



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Insecurity, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Spells & Enchantments, Telepathy, but not really, giving James Potter the Quidditch team he deserves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28439790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GroundZero_V/pseuds/GroundZero_V
Summary: “ You’re always so full of yourself,” Snape seethes, each word dripping venom, “ but soon you’ll see the truth. The spell I just put on you will make you hear what people think about you for weeks, maybe even longer.”OR: James gets hit with a spell that makes him question everything he knew.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter, background Remus Lupin/Lily Evans
Comments: 143
Kudos: 306





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by the fic Serial Doubter (made by humanities_angstiest) in the BNHA fandom.

“ Just move, Snape, I’m not in the mood to argue with you,” 

  
Severus Snape only scowls harder, but refuses to stop blocking the way ahead. 

James wishes, not for the first time that day, that he didn’t forget his book in the Charms classroom. Since then he managed to almost fall down the moving stairs, lose his quill and _then_ bump into Snape. Just his luck. 

His hand almost reaches for his wand, but he forces himself to stop.

Snape isn’t worth the trouble. James already has a detention this Friday from one of the Marauders pranks, he doesn’t need another. Besides, Grease Hair is too annoying even on a normal day. James is in no mood to deal with him now.

He turns to go the other way, even though it means he will have to take the longer route to the next classroom. It’s worth it, he reasons to himself, since it means he won’t have to listen to Snape’s bullshit. 

There used to be a time when James would hex him for blocking his path without a thought. He likes to think he matured a bit since then... Or at least got so sick of him he doesn’t want anything to do with him.

“ Where do you think you are going, Potter?" Snape calls after him, evidently not getting the memo, " Are you running back to that blood traitor like a good little dog again?” 

James slowly turns and narrows his eyes.

Snape has been taunting the Marauders for weeks now, trying to get a reaction out of them with snarky remarks and pointed insults. Somewhere deep in his mind James knows that he shouldn’t react. He's managed it so far afterall, not wanting to feed Snape’s weird obsession with Marauders, hoping the guy would tire himself out eventually. Sadly, that didn't seem to be the case. If anything he grew even more agressive ever since Remus and Lily started officially dating.

James would never admit it out a loud, but Snape scares him sometimes. There were moments where his face darkened, eyes blazing with hate and lips pulled into a disgusted snarl, like he saw everyone else just as an annoying bug to step on. It was in those moments that James felt like Snape could go mad any second and kill everyone in the room without feeling sorry at all. 

" Do you need them to take you out on a walk?" Snape continues, clearly enjoying himself. James kind of wants to whipe that smirk off his face with his fist. 

His fingers curl around his wand, squeezing so hard they start to turn white, “ Stop talking, asswipe. Don't you have cauldrons to clean or something?” 

He wishes the others were here. Remus would come up with a clever insult that would make them all laugh. Sirius would either drape his arm around James’ neck and lead him away or try to start a fight with Greasy Hair, that could honestly go both ways. Depends how much of an ass Snape was at that moment. Peter would totally ignore Snape and would instead start talking about something completely random to throw the Slytherin off. 

But they are not here, because James sent them ahead and went back for his stupid book, and he’s not them. Instead James is alone and trying his best not to hex that sleazy smile off Snape’s face. 

Snape has gone a little pale at the sight of James’s wand but still has the nerve to continue, “ Then of course, you already have a dog of your own don’t you? A little werewolf _bitch_. I wonder what would the rest of the school think if the word somehow got out -” 

He doesn’t get further than that, his voice suddenly dying out as he notices the wand now digging into his neck. 

He gulps. But then the corner of his lips turns up into a smug smirk. 

“ Head Boys aren’t supposed to start fights,” Snape parrots, “ McGonagall would strip you of the position if you tried anything. ”

James quirks an eyebrow and presses the wand even closer to Snape’s face, “ What makes you think I care? ”

Snape’s smile disappears. 

“ If you tell anyone about Remus, I’ll _bury_ you.” 

James knows he sees the truth in his eyes, sees it in the way Snape's face looses all it's colour.

 _Good,_ James thinks, _he should know to not mess with my friends._

Snape blinks, and then his smirk returns, slow and twisted. Before James has a chance to react, he raises his fist and blows the content of his palm straight into James’ face. 

James pushes onto Snape’s chest so hard he falls to the floor, trying to put distance between them, but it’s too late.

The dark powder disappears, absorbing into his skin.

A sharp pain spikes inside his head and James coughs, suddenly feeling very sick. He staggers a little. 

“ What the hell did you just do to me?!” 

“ A simple spell,” Snape chuckles darkly, " But one that you won't be able to break." 

James points his wand, his vision finally clearing up, “ Tell me what it does before I turn you into something so ugly your own mother won’t even recognise you. Not that it will be any hard work. ”

“ You’re always so full of yourself,” Snape seethes, each word dripping venom, “ but soon you’ll see the truth. The spell I just put on you will make you hear what people think about you for weeks, maybe even longer.” he grins, slimy and gross. 

James sends him a cold glare, “ What you just did could get you expelled.”

“ There’s no way to prove -”

“ Yet.” James interrupts him, “ But I wouldn’t count on it.” 

_' Idiot. There’s no way he could prove what I did. And even if by some dumb luck he did, I just need make sure to leave behind an interesting note that would complicate life of that disgusting werewolf. If he wasn’t dating my beautiful Lily I would have already done it-'_

James fights to not show the disgust on his face.

He watches as Snape’s mouth doesn’t move an inch even while his voice sounds clear inside his head, the slight echo of it the only indication that it's not actually being spoken out loud. 

James grabs his wand tighter, mind whirling. 

So the spell started already, huh? Great. He just can’t catch a break can’t he?

Whatever, James reasons with himself, at least it will pass sooner. 

His eyes re-focus on Snape, watching as he starts getting up from the floor.

He refuses to give him the satisfaction of responding to his thoughts and proving the spell works. 

But he can’t just walk away either. 

“ Petrificus totalus.” 

He smirks in satisfaction when Snape’s form on the floor freezes.

The idiot won’t be able to move for a few hours at least. Suits him right.

People like him were the reason Slytherin had such a bad reputation between students. But of course, with professors Snape was suddenly well behaved. Only the victim, never the aggressor.

The only person who hated that act more than James was Sirius. James can’t even count how many times he had to hold his best friend back from throwing a fist at Snape’s big nose. Well, him and Evans. Ever since he called her a mudblood in the middle of a crowded corridor, she had no mercy for him. James silently vows to himself to keep an eye on Snape in case he tries to be creepy and follow her again. It wouldn't be the first time, sadly. 

With only three minutes left till another class starts, James wastes no more time and starts to run.   
He’d rather not get another detention this week. 

  
  
  
  
  


  
When James finally gets to the Transfiguration classroom, professor McGonagall bless her heart only raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment on it.

James lets out a relief breath and sits down next to Sirius, who sends him a smile and knocks their shoulders together. He starts to ask him something, probably where he was all this time, but James freezes as he hears McGonagall’s voice echo in his head. 

_'He’s been only for one minute and Mr. Black is already not paying attention to me. A shame. Just because Mr. Potter is not good at Transfiguration doesn’t mean he has to pull other students that have potential down with him.'_

“ Prongs?” Sirius whispers, poking him, “ are you listening to me?” 

James scratches at the back of his neck and turns his gaze away from McGonagall’s sharp eyes, “ Yeah sorry, Padfoot. I’m just a little,..”

He trails off as a thought of a Ravenclaw student sitting in front of him enters his head. 

_'Just shut up already, can’t hear a thing.'_

“ James?” Sirius asks, frowning slightly and James instantly feels bad for making him worry.

He shakes his head, “ It’s nothing.”

Sirius just blinks at him, unimpressed. James sighs.

  
“ Run into Snape on my way here. Idiot tried to start trouble. I’ll tell you later.” 

Sirius nods and that’s that. 

Sometimes (a lot of times) James really can’t help but think he doesn’t deserve his friends. 

He should tell them right? About the spell? 

But then... there is no sense in worrying them over nothing.

McGonagall will know what to do, she always does. Hell, she might even be able to get rid of the spell in a few seconds. He just has to get through this class. Just fifty six more minutes.

He can do this.   
  
James tries his best to focus, but when the bell signalises the end of the class, he finds out he doesn’t remember much of the lesson. He doesn't let it bother him, even as a small part of his brain worries over falling behind. 

“ Wait for me in the hall? I need to talk to McGoogs real quick,” James asks, already hastily throwing his things into his bag. 

“ Sure,” says Remus from the table behind him and Peter next to him nods and smiles. 

Sirius pats James on the shoulder and then they are gone. 

McGonagall is just organising some papers when he comes to her table. She looks busy, her brows furrowed as she reads something, mouth downturned, and James hesitates. 

“ What is it, Mr. Potter?” She says, not looking up from her work. She doesn’t sound too pleased but not too annoyed either, so James takes his chances. 

“ I’ve -” 

_' I bet he got himself into trouble again. Always the same. Maybe I should really pull him off the Advanced Potions, it’s not like he has much of the chance to become an Auror anyways and I don't want him to get crushed by his own expectations...'_

James pauses, his mouth falling shut.

Advanced Potions were required class for anyone who wanted to become an Auror.

He was unsure about signing up, debated it for hours, since his grades at Potions weren’t the best. It was McGonagall who persuaded him to try it and changed his mind. She was the only teacher at this school that he really respected, the only one that wasn't afraid to call out people for acting like idiots straight to their face. She wasn't the kindest teacher, but she was fair, valued hard work. She was the only one that saw how hard he was trying while everyone else thought he didn't care about studying at all. 

_She lied,_ James realises, heart squeezing painfully. _She never believed I could make it to an Auror._

But why did she do it then? To what? Watch him fail? Or did she do it hoping all that additional studying he would have to do would spare her all the trouble he always makes?

Was she hoping for the same when she made him the Head Boy? That it would make him shut up and fall in line? Or did she also think, as most of the school seemed to, that he was too arrogant and had to be taken down a notch? Was that her way of doing that? Of showing him he wasn’t good enough? 

“ Mr. Potter?” 

James blinks and realises she’s stopped reading and is now looking straight at him. Has been for a while probably, since there's a now a frown between her brows.

“ Did you want something?” she says when the silence continues. 

James shakes his head and tries to smile,“ No, Professor. It’s nothing. Sorry for wasting your time.” 

He walks away before she can ask anything else. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

MONDAY (Day one) 

James walks out of the classroom feeling strangely empty.

He tries to not think about what just happened too much, but sadly he has no doubt he'll spend most of today's night thinking back on all the conversation he ever had with McGonagall and trying to figure out when she started to dislike him. 

The hallway is crowded by lower classes, probably first years, so it's easy to spot the Marauders who are towering above their heads, laughing loudly. Sirius looks away from Peter that is animately talking about something, his eyes brightening when he notices James in the crowd. 

" Prongs! Over here!" He calls out, arm waving in the air and blatantly ignoring all the bewildered first years that turned at his scream. 

James hurries over to them, carefully navigating his way through the students. 

" _Finally_. We've been waiting for hours," Peter complains when he finally makes it to them, but he's smiling as well. 

James only rolls his eyes but thaks him for his big sacrifice. Really, leave it to Peter to always exaggerate.

They start walking to their next class, the loud sounds of the younger students fading away. 

Remus turns his head, " Why did you need to talk to McGoogs anyways, Prongs? Was it about Potions?"

Did everyone think he wouldn’t make it? Was he realy that bad at it? 

Outwardly, James only shrugs and looks away," I just asked her something about the next essay. Nothing important. "

Remus hums, satisfied with the answer.

" And Greasy Hair?" Sirius asks as he drapes an arm over James' neck, pulling him close, " Did that little shit give you any trouble?"

He's smiling as he says that, but his eyes are narrowed and dangerous. James is aware that he only has to say a word and Sirius will run to the Slytherin common room, hexes flying in all directions, Remus and Peter right on his heels. 

As much fun as that would be..He doesn't want to worry them over some spell that will disappear in a few weeks. And it's not like it's a harmful spell either. He's not choking on blood, not freezing to death, he just..hears what people think about him. 

He shakes his head, " Asshat tried to hex me. Won't be able to move for a few hours now." 

Sirius' protective gaze fades away into a satisfied smile and Remus chuckles, " Nice one, Prongs." 

" If you all are done interrogating him," Peter says loudly, grinning from ear to ear. He easily evades a jab at his ribs from Remus and continues as if nothing happened, " I still need help with that test from Defence against the Dark Arts we have tomorrow." 

Sirius gives a heavy sigh, " Again? We've been studying for _ages_." 

" We only studied yesterday," Peter points out, " And if I remember correctly you fell asleep halfway through." 

Remus snickers. 

Sirius only shrugs, compeletely unashamed, "Not my fault James is so comfy. " 

James shoots him a glare but Sirius ignores it, " _And_ Mr. Wormtail, if I remember correctly you study while lying upside down, so you’re hardly the one to talk."

" But I swear it works! I aced today’s test in Divination. "

" Yeah,” James laughs, " but only after you turned the paper upside down as well. "

  
" I just remember it better that way!" 

They continue to bicker on the rest of their way to class and James completely forgets about the spell. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


WEDNESDAY (Day three) 

  
  


Wednesday evening means Head Boy and Girl patrols. 

If he's being entirely honest, James never really got the point of that. They never caught anyone out of bed and never saw anything out of the ordinary, not counting that weird ghost party they once found on the sixth floor.That one they rather didn't talk about. It contained the image of Bloody Baron dancing the Hula dance while Headless Nick screamed death to all bananas.

It was, to this day, the most bizzare thing James ever saw. And that was saying something, considering he lived at Hogwarts, full of killer trees and giant spiders and stairs that moved on their own. But there was just something about the memory of seeing Headless Nick charge with a sword at a table full of bananas that was impossible to erase.

Even Evans laughed at that, and that was at the time she seemed to hate James' guts and had a pernament scowl practically painted on her face. 

A loud bell reminds James it's been thirty minutes since they were meant to start the patrol.

He looks around the empty hallway once more, just in case Evans suddenly appears out of nowhere. 

She doesn't. 

James sighs. It's not like her to be this late. Skipping Head Girl duties really isn't her thing. She once came to patrol even with a heavy cough, face pale and looking more like a ghost than a witch. James had to spend the first fourty minutes of their walk persuading her to go and rest before she finally relented.

He hopes she isn't sick again. 

  
  


He pushes himself off the wall he was leaning against and starts walking down the dark hallway. The torches have been extinguished long time ago, so the only thing lighting his way ahead is his wand. 

James misses the other wand shining in the dark next to him.

The darkness of the castle doesn't scare him, he's not a Gryffindor just in a name after all. But over the last months he's gotten used to her presence. Even if she spent most of the time talking about how irresponsible he is, James liked her. She was a good fit with Remus, was bright and smart but also kind, something he knew his friend desperately needed. 

Walking down the dark corridors alone also gives him more time to think then he would like. He tries to pass the time by thinking of new Quidditch strategies. 

  
  
  
  
  


When he makes it back to the dorms two hours later, the room is dark. For a second he thinks everyone else is asleep, but then he notices the beds are empty. 

Something curls in his chest. Something heavy. 

Where _is_ everyone? He didn’t see them anywhere in the castle, but that is easily explained. The invisibility cloak is gone from where it was sitting on his trunk. But why would they need to leave? Did something happen? 

He rushes to his trunk, rummaging through its contents.

The Marauder's map is gone too.

He doesn't know if that decreases his worry or does the opposite. 

Moony's bed is a mess. He never leaves it like that unless he’s in a hurry.

Was he having transformation pains again?

James does a quick math in his head. It _is_ only four days to the next full moon so it was possible. Sadly it wouldn't be the first time Remus would have to be taken to the medical wing in the middle of the night. 

James bites down on his bottom lip until he tastes blood.

If that happened, he's sure they would have gotten him. If they didn't have time to run for him, Sirius would have definitely at least alerted James over the Two-way mirror. He gave it to him on Sirius' 14th birthday so they could talk when he went home for the summer.

They didn't use it as much after Sirius started to spend the holidays with the Potters, but James always kept it tucked inside the pockets of his robe in case of an emergency.

He quickly tugs it out of his pocket and winces a little when the broken edges of the mirror leave red marks on his hand. 

" Sirius?" He calls out and for a minute there’s complete silence. James' heart is pounding, mind going over possibilities of what happened, each thought worse then the previous one. 

Then Sirius' head appears in the mirror, grinning widely. 

With a snap the sound from the other side comes through. Sirius says something but James can’t hear him over all the noise on the other side. Sirius seems to realise the same and James sees him talking to someone, Peter’s blond hair coming to view for a second before he’s getting up and leaving the room.

It’s the Three Broomsticks, James realises a beat later than he probably should have. Both the inside and the outside of the inn are very familiar to him, they’ve spent many evenings there, planning the next big prank and laughing over butterbeer. 

" Prongs!” Sirius exclaims happily, " did your detention end already?" 

James blinks, " What detention? "

Now it’s Sirius who looks confused, " Your detention with Flickwick."

Behind him, there are loud cheers from the inn. Sirius waves at someone, smiling before turning back to the mirror. 

" I didn’t have a detention tonight.." James says slowly, " I had to patrol the castle."

Sirius stops smiling, " What?"

You know, the same as I was doing for the last five months every single Wednesday, James doesn’t say. 

" But I thought Lily is... Remus convinced her to go with us to Hogsmeade. Peter said you had detention so we didn’t ask you to go with us..." Sirius trails off, becoming rapidly pale as he comes to the same conclusions as James. 

" James, " Sirius says and he sounds downright miserable, “ _Damn it_ , I’m sorry. I didn’t realise - "

And that’s the thing.

James _knows_ they didn’t do it on purpose. Knows they didn’t mean to make him feel like this, but his insides still burn with embarrassment and his throat is closing up and making it hard to speak.

He tries to push it behind anger, tries to remind himself he wasted half an hour waiting for someone who never showed up and who was instead drinking butterbear with his friends, but it doesn't work. 

Instead of becoming angry, he feels like the biggest idiot to ever walk this planet.

It's humiliating to think he was worrying over them and Evans when they were together in Hogsmeade. And not just anywhere, but they had to go to Three Broomsticks. The place they only went to as the whole group. They had their own table there for Merlin’s sake. It was a tradition.

And Evans..It was almost funny, since she always criticised him for being even one minute late. She liked sticking to the rules, which was one of the reasons they clashed so much with each other at the beginning. They only started to get along when she and Remus got together. 

Others thought he had detention, but she knew the truth. When it came up did she pretend like she had no idea?

Was she pretending they were friends those last few months only for Remus’ sake?

It would explain why she still called him Potter but everyone else got called by their first name. 

“ It’s okay, Padfoot.” 

“ It’s not. I can’t believe I was so stupid to forget that you patrol on Wednesdays -” he makes a frustrated noise, “ We’ll go back right away or you can come here and -” 

James shakes his head. The last thing he wants to do is ruin their fun, " No. Don’t just...just enjoy yourself, alright? I’ll go to sleep, I’m tired anyways. "

" James - "

“ _Sirius,_ " James says, interrupting him, " Really. Drop it. It's nothing. "

Sirius doesn’t answer, his eyes downcast. He glances away from the mirror then back.

There is something hesitant in the way his lips dig into his bottom lip and James is already pulling the mirror away, thinking the conversation is over when Sirius speaks up. 

" I missed you, " he admits, quiet and soft and James freezes. " I’m going back right now. Wait up for me, alright? "

The connection disappears before James can say something. The mirror clears and he's left staring at his own reflection. 

Sirius makes it back in less than fifteen minutes, which technically shouldn’t be possible. His hair is messy and his shoes have so much mud or them it looks like he swam through it. 

" Idiot, " James says when Sirius collapses next to him on the bed, chest heaving.

Sirius smiles like it’s the best thing he heard the whole day.

James ignores the way his heart skips a beat and narrows his eyes. " Did you really just run here all the way from Hogsmeade? "

" Maybe?"

Damn it, James thinks, I really love him. 

" Get your muddy feet off my bed, " he says instead.

Sirius complies and takes off his shoes, then promptly worms his way under James’ covers. 

" Hey!" James fakes a protest and Sirius laughs. 

" Too late! "

They pretend to fight over the blanket and James finally admits his defeat when he gets a kick to the shin.

It’s probably weird, but it makes James smile even more. Sirius always knows how to cheer him up. 

They end up lying on their sides, facing each other and talking about nothing and everything. Even through the relaxed atmosphere, James can still feel the tension in Sirius’ body. He knows him well enough to know he won’t just drop what happened.

He’s right.

Sirius is already moving to his own bed when he suddenly stops in his tracks, shoulders dropping. 

" I’m really sorry, Prongs - "

James shakes his head, " I told you it’s okay. "

Sirius looks like he doesn’t fully believe him but slides into his own bed. 

" I’m sure Evans just forgot, you know."

" Yeah, maybe." James agrees, though he strongly doubts it.

He looks to the side, his hand going up to scratch at his hair in a nervous habit, "Thanks for...you know."

Sirius smiles brighter than the Sun and James automatically grins back, feeling much lighter than he has the whole day. 

He hopes it’s dark enough that Sirius can’t see he’s blushing. 

_“His smile is really weird.”_

James’s freezes. He can feel the tears princkle at the corner of his eyes and quickly turns his head away. He's so weak. So stupid. Sirius could never like him back.

“ Prongs?" 

He doesn't look back at Sirius even though he feels his gaze on him. 

_“Is James done talking? Finally, thought it would never end. At least I can go to sleep now.”_

" Goodnight, " James gets out and promptly draws the curtains around his bed shut. His chest hurts as if someone just hexed him with a Dark Magic curse.

" Goodnight," Sirius echoes back after a moment of silence, quiet and sad. James hates it.

A stray tear falls down his face and he angrily rubs it away. 

Why does Sirius feel like he has to pretend? It's only the two of them right now, if he didn’t want to talk to him he could just bloody say so.

It would hurt less than learning the truth like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter. Your comments mean a lot to me and motivate me to write.


	3. Chapter 3

THURSDAY (Day four) 

Evans attempts to corner him before their first class. 

" Potter," she calls out as she marches over to them, " We need to talk." 

A group of ravenclaw students turns when Evans walks past them. 

" _She's going to Potter? I wonder what he screwed up this time."_

Sirius still has his arm draped around the back of James' neck, as he usually does. It's nothing new, he’s done it countless times now, _except_. Except this time he isn't just leaning on him, this time there’s a thumb lightly dancing across James’ skin, tracing patterns, making blood rush to his cheeks. 

It's way too distracting and James has to fight the urge to shiver.

He's too weak to shake Sirius off and keep his distance, even though that would probably be the smartest choice. He's never really been the one to follow his brain. It's always been his heart that leads, so even without meaning to, James finds himself melting under Sirius' touch, leaning in closer. 

Lily finally makes it to them. Her eyes skip over them, obviously searching for her boyfriend only to realise he isn’t there. She frowns a little, then pushes the strap of her school bag higher on her shoulder. James wonders if Remus will ever tell her the reason for his frequent absences.

It's not like he can just pretend he's sick every time he has to go get a check-up or howl at the Moon, can he? Then again who is he kidding? Remus will try _everything_ to hide it. He did the same to them after all. If they hadn't followed him that one night in the second year they would have never known. 

A soft squeeze on his shoulder brings his focus back to the present. James blinks, thoughts finally returning to reality. Instinctively he looks at Sirius, who sends him a small smile and James mirrors it, then stills.

The words Sirius said last night echo inside his head and James' smile dims. He moves a step away, Sirius' hand sliping from his shoulder.

It's better that way, he tells himself as he turns to Evans. 

She's still waiting for an answer and James becomes more than aware that almost everyone in the hallway is now listening in on their conversation, especially those who pretend not to. He sends an unimpressed look their way, then moves his gaze back to Evans. 

" Good morning to you too, Evans," 

She rolls her eyes, just like James expected, " Yeah, yeah. Can we talk?" 

So much for postponing the inevitable. 

" Sure, but make it quick. Class is about to start." 

Lily raises an eyebrow, " Since when do you care about that?"

" Since always," Jamed deadpans, because it's true. He might be having detention every other week, but he's still at the top of the class in most subjects, how do people think he does it? That he just sleeps and all the knowledge he needs appears in his head? 

" Yeah, right," Lily smiles but it looks forced. Her gaze drifts to Sirius, then to Peter, who is standing at his left. She frowns a little, " Look, I just want to talk.” 

_I don't get how he manipulated them into being friends with him.._

James tenses and by the side look Sirius just gave him, he noticed. 

There's silence for a few seconds. James realises both Peter and Sirius are looking at him, waiting for him to answer. 

“ Alright,” he agrees. 

Peter's eyes keep flicking between James and Evans. _I hope Prongs won't do anything stupid._

James fights a humorless chuckle. He also hopes he won't do anything stupid. 

" Alright then," Evans starts, looking apologetic, " I don't have any excuse for yesterday. I absolutely forgot we were supposed to meet up. I'm really sorry.” 

She startes to explain how they met Peter and Sirius on their way to Hogsmeade, but James can't hear her over how loud her thoughts in his head are. 

_I don't get why I should apologise. Everyone enjoyed themselves and it's not like Potter didn't deserve to get off his high horse for once. No one even noticed he was gone until he begged for attention through that stupid mirror._

James tries his hardest not to show any reaction, even as the inside of his throat burns with a familiar feeling. 

He stares with increasing anxiety as a smile forms on her face.

He thought he could tell when people are lying, at least most of the time but looking at her now...he would have had no idea she thought. The smile on her face was a perfect mask. It was exactly the right amount of sheepish and apologetic to come off as believable. 

How many times did people lie to his face while hating him? How many times have his friends done it?

Hell, did they even _like_ him?

“ Potter? Are you even listening to me?”

_Is he really ignoring me? That ungrateful shit. I'm here making an effort for Remus and he's just spoiling everything. Typical._

The breath that leaves him is too shallow and James realises he's starting to panic.

He forces himself to take a deeper breath. Forces his emotions behind a wall, imagines putting them away into a chest and then locking them with the strongest spell he knows. 

" I can patrol alone the next time, if you want," Evans continues, "We'll be even that way."

James never understood that. Being even.

Why did that matter so much? Why did everyone always act like he had an ulterior motive when wanting to help? 

Remus always said the same whenever James helped him with Defence Against the Dark Arts. “I really need you to help me with this spell, Prongs, I promise I'll buy you something in Honeydukes in return, just please help me.” Or “ If you help me I'll do your Astrology homework for a whole week.” Always something for something, never just accepting it.

As if he was worried that without offering something, James wouldn't try his best in helping him. That he would half-ass it, like everyone thought he did everything. Nevermind that he would spend hours and hours perfecting the spell they learned in class until he mastered it. Nevermind that he would stay up until three o'clock to study for that test in Runology. Nevermind that he could do his own damn Astrology homework. 

He swears that if Remus offers that one more time he'll dump him into to the Great lake to have a nice swim with the Giant Squid. 

“ It's whatever,” James says and it must sound angrier than he intends to, because Evans’ smile slips a little, finally, “ Just be there next time.” 

His voice sounds weird to his own ears. He feels weird.

He can't properly breathe.

The hold he has on anger is slipping, leaving him spiraling down into anxiety. 

Evans says something but her voice is drowned out by the thoughts of the other students in the hall. 

_Jeez, what is his problem this time?_

_I wonder what happened for Evans to look so serious. Either way, Potter probably deserves it._

“ Prongs?” Sirius asks and James realises he forgot he was still there, leaning against the wall and listening to their conversation.

Peter is already gone, James guesses he left to catch their seats in the classroom. He doesn't really care right now. His head won't stop spinning. 

“ I need to go to the bathroom,” James swallows thickly, a sick feeling in his stomach, “ Don't wait for me. ”

Sirius' eyes narrow. He pushes off the wall and steps closer. James bolts. 

  
  


He barely makes it to the bathroom stall before he throws up. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
SUNDAY (Day seven) 

“ Dude! Did you just eat _all_ the watermelons? How many times do I have to tell you to not do that?! Can't you share? ” Sirius complains loudly. 

“ Sorry, sorry, I swear it won't happen again, ” Peter says, as he always does, only to forget his promise in the next five minutes. 

Sirius rolls his eyes and sends James a look that says _Can you believe that?  
  
_

James sends back a weak smile before turning back to his plate.  
  
He's been moving the same piece of an egg across the plate for the last ten minutes now. It's been the only thing he's been able to focus on. The dulled pain in his head has increased into a steady, heavy throbbing over the last two hours.

Even sitting down he feels dizzy, limbs unusually heavy as if there are weights around his arms or ankles.

He tries to ignore it. Pushes the egg on his plate a little to the left.

He won't risk going to the Hospital Wing. If he goes there, then Madam Pomfrey might not let him play in today's match against Slytherin. He can't miss that, he _won't._ Not because of some stupid headache. 

He pushes the egg to the right. 

They're no longer talking, James realises suddenly. He looks up, only to find all three of them already looking at him. 

“ James, are you okay?” Sirius asks quietly, voice laced with concern. 

“ Yeah, why wouldn't I be? ” James says lightly, trying for a cheerful tone that falls flat. It sounds weak even to his own ears. 

“ You haven't touched your breakfast, haven't been talking much either. ”

“ Usually it's the opposite,” Remus jokes. 

James rolls his eyes, but the comment stings.

He quickly scrambles for a believable answer that won't include explaining the mess that is currently going on inside his head.

“ What is it?” Peter pushes, subtle as a train. 

“ I'm just nervous about today's training, Angelina broke her arm last week and Pomfrey won't let her play.” 

Unfortunately, that's not a lie. They'll be down their best beater. 

Peter makes a sympathetic noise as he digs into his pile of pancakes, his concerned expression slipping away, “ That sucks, mate.” 

_There he goes talking about Quidditch again, as if we haven't heard that thousand times before. Can't he find something new to talk about?_

James gives a non committal hum and tries to focus only on his plate. 

When Sirius brings up a new prank and Remus and Peter excitedly join in with their ideas, James bites down on his bottom lip to keep himself from talking. 

  
  


It's not like he would have anything interesting to say anyways.


	4. Chapter 4

The throbbing in his head doesn't lessen. James didn't really expect it to. 

He does a few quick spells but none of them seem to work. James knows he's not the best with healing spells, but if it was just a normal cold it _should_ have worked. 

He frowns. 

Could it be some side effect from hex Greasy Hair put on him? 

“ James, are you ready?” Sirius asks interrupting his train of thought as he walks into the room. He's already dressed in casual clothes, simple jeans and a dark red sweater. He looks stunning. But then, James always thinks that.

“ Yeah, almost done.” 

James finishes putting on the fingerless gloves of his Quidditch uniform and shoots a critical glance at himself in the mirror. 

With a sigh, he turns towards Sirius, only to find him already looking at him with a weird intensity in his eyes. 

James' hand flies up to his hair in a nervous habit, ruffling the already untamed hair. He notices Sirius' eyes following the movement, darkening a little. 

“ You're coming to watch, right?” James asks after a moment, his voice coming out more hesitant then he would like. 

Sirius blinks at him, “ Of course.”

_Like it's a choice. If we won't go he'll throw a temper tantrum._

" You - you don't have to, you know. It's probably not going to be a very exciting match anyway. " 

Sirius looks as if he doesn't fully understand, which only makes James confused. Wasn't that what Sirius wanted? 

" I mean," James continues, suddenly feeling much more awkward, " if you have better things to do I wouldn't blame you for -" 

Sirius interrupts him. His arms are crossed. Defensive. 

" You don't want us to go?" 

James doesn't understand. 

" No, I just - nevermind." 

The silence that falls on them is uncomfortable. James is not used to that. Being around Sirius was always as easy as breathing, comfortable, _safe_. Now, James' body is tense, dreading what he'll hear because of that stupid hex. 

He takes the captain armband from his bedside table, stares at it as if he's seeing it for the first time. 

Maybe everyone was right.

He's too arrogant, too loud, a know-it all, stupid, manipulator, an attention whore, too much and too little at the same time, never enough. 

If everyone thinks it, then there must be some truth to it, doesn't it? 

The brown eyes that stare back at him from the mirror are dull. 

He could change couldn't he? He just needs to work harder. Become better. 

Become worthy of his friends.

A hand touches his. 

James jerks a little in surprise and looks up, his wide eyes meeting with Sirius's. 

“ You're gonna kick their asses, Prongs, trust me.”   
  
He must have mistaken James' silence for worry over the match. James doesn't correct him. 

He watches with confusion as Sirius takes the armband from his hand and steps closer, realising a second too late he wants to put it around his arm. 

Come on, be normal, James tries to tell himself even as Sirius' face comes too close for comfort. He tries his hardest to not let his eyes slip to Sirius' lips, to the edge of his smile. He's not fully sure he succeeds. 

James stays completely still as Sirius finishes tying the fabric around his biceps. His fingers linger for a moment before slowly trailing down James' arm, his touch soft, but somehow hesitant, like he's not sure he's allowed. James has to fight to not do something stupid, like lean in and close the distance between them.

Sirius steps away, quick as if James burned him, blinking rapidly.

“ Thanks,” James gets out, and he's aware that he sounds too breathless, too affected, his cheeks suddenly warm. He quickly turns back to the mirror, hoping it will help hide his blush. 

In the mirror's reflection he watches as Sirius walks across the room and flops down onto James' bed.

“ Anyways,” Sirius starts, grinning widely, though there is still something hesitant in the way he smiles, nervous almost, “ Pete wanted to create a giant lion head for the match, but we persuaded him not to. Remember that time in the second year, when he brought that flaming Gryffindor flag and McGoogs's hat caught on fire? I mean her face was priceless, but I'm also pretty sure that if Wormtail shows up with anything seemingly flammable on the stands she's going to drive him off the pitch with a broom.” 

They laugh together at the mental image and James feels some of the tension in his body evaporate. Maybe today won't be as bad, even the constant headache has dulled somewhat. 

Yeah, James thinks, today's going to be a good day.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His vision swims for a second and James has to support himself on a nearby wall. He forces a deep breath into his lungs. 

“ Captain?”

James opens his eyes. He didn't even realise he closed them. 

_Damn it_ , James thinks desperately as the world spins around him, _snap out of it_.

It takes him a second but slowly he lifts his head, eyes focusing on the worried faces of his teammates. 

They're all packed in a tiny changing room that's connected to the pitch's tower. If he listens closely, James can already hear the other students gathering and trying to find their seats in the arena. 

The game starts in a few minutes. James hangs his head and lets out a sigh. 

For some reason, everyone is on edge.

Luna Lexington next to him, the subsidiary Beater for Angelina, is grabbing her broom so tight the tips of her fingers are white. Kingsley, a scrawny 4th year, is nervously pacing, biting his lip bloody. The Dragenton twins, usually different like night and day, are staring at him with identical frowns.

_Jeez does he need to be such a drama queen? I've had worse than that._

_Is he gonna make us lose?_

  
  


Right, James reminds himself. Not worried for him. They're just worried for themselves. 

A heavy weight settles on his chest.   
  


James always tried his best to take care of his team.

When Angelina broke her arm? James was in the Hospital Wing the same day with a box of Honeyduke sweets and all the school notes for the day. 

When Kingsley almost threw up before his first match from nervosity, James made sure to distract him with an absurd story about one of the Marauders' pranks. Kingsley was laughing so hard when they went to the pitch that it took him the first five minutes of the match to calm down, his nervosity forgotten. He caught the Golden Snitch right in his first game. James couldn't wipe the proud smile from his face for the rest of the day.

The Dragenton twins proved a bit of a challenge at first. They were exactly what James was looking for when he organised the try-outs, so they caught his attention right from the beginning. Finn was quick and agile with the Quaffle, great at evading the opposing players and passing the ball to his teammates. He wasn't that good at scoring goals, but that's where his twin sister Quinn came in with her strong shots. 

While being an amazing duo of Chasers, the Dragenton twins had a bit of a problem. 

They argued.

A lot. 

And even that was an understatement.

They _always_ argued, no matter the place or a time. And always about the stupidest thing they could think of. At the try-outs it was about which kind of cereal was better, then about if sleeping with socks is a heresy or not. 

The topics were seemingly random, but both twins argued with such strong passion as if they were in a debate and running for the post of the Minister of Magic. 

On the first official training, Finn accused Quinn of switching their Quidditch uniform. They argued for half an hour, at which point James has had enough and told them to go to Madam Hooch and ask her to change the names on their uniforms to their first names. 

Ever since then the twins wanted his opinion on everything and it was the only thing to end their argument. 

For some reason, 'Captain agrees with me' seemed to be enough to make the other twin shut up and admit they lost. 

  
  


Whenever their team won, James treated them to a dinner down in Hogsmeade. Izumi Kimura, their Goal keeper, once persuaded them to go to Flying words, a recent establishment in the village. 

She said muggles called it _karaokei_ or something and that the song lyrics appear on a machine instead of materialising in the air, which sounded just insane. 

James couldn't imagine why someone would create a whole machine for something that seemed to be only screaming.

It was a lot of fun though, he won't deny that. Peter (because the Marauders always went to celebrate with them) sang so bad the last time that the owner came to ask if they were okay.

When a group of Slytherins with Lucius Malfoy in charge came in and started insulting Sirius, the whole team rushed to defend him. Lucas Alvarez, the other beater on the team, lost his wand in the fight but managed to land a fist into Malfoy's face, breaking his nose. The bewildered look Lucius had at that moment will never stop being funny. 

James couldn't have been more proud of them than at that very moment, even though the incident resulted in the _karaokei_ place closing for a month due to 'unforeseen damage to property'. 

They were _his_ team. His people. As a captain, it was his responsibility to make sure they not only played well but also _were_ well. And as a captain, he couldn't let them down just because he was feeling a little sick. 

  
  


“ Captain?” 

Kingsley's voice was always quiet and tentative and it was usually hard to hear him over his much louder team mates. This time though, his voice sounds much louder, and James realises it's because the whole room is absolutely silent. 

“ Are you alright, Captain?” Izumi asks, her voice careful, as if she's delivering news of the third stage of dragon pox. It's even more jarring considering she's usually always smiling. 

_His game is barely passable on a good day but in this state he'll be straight up useless on_ the pitch. 

James forces out a smile and hopes it doesn't look as empty as he feels. 

Does _no one_ like him? 

  
  


“ Don't worry. I used a few spells so it shouldn't be contagious.”

  
  


She sputters, “ That's- that's not what I meant.” 

  
  


“ Let's go over today's game tactic one more time.” 

  
  


_We went over that so many times, why does such a shitty strategy need so many explanations?_

  
  


“ You look really pale... ” Lucas Alvarez pushes, the heavy frown on his face a complete opposite to the bitter thought James just heard in his head. 

Kingsley sends James a nervous smile. 

_We'll have a much better chance without him holding us down._

  
  


James hates this so much he wants to scream. 

He's so sick of this two-faced act. If they don't like him so much can't they just say it straight to his face? 

Was it all just a big inside joke of the team? Making him feel like they were friends while they laughed at him behind his back? 

  
  


He doesn't answer.

They spend the last few minutes before the match in complete silence. The only sound in the room the loud cheers from the pitch. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The game is, unexpectedly, not that bad. 

Even with his vision swimming dangerously, James manages to score a few points. It's less than he would have liked normally, but he tries to focus more on giving good passes to Quinn and forcing away the urge to vomit. 

His vision darkens for a moment, then clears just in time to duck his head and avoid an incoming Bludger.

" I've got it! " Calls out Luna from somewhere on his left, moving in a blur and sending the Bludger away with lighting speed just before it would have crashed into unknowing Kingsley. 

She's playing really well, James notes absentmindedly, the tactical geers in his head already rapidly turning. Angelina was definitely the best at offensive play, but Luna was more skilled at defense. Something that was very useful against the aggressive play style the Slytherins recently adopted with their new captain. And a bit of a change in the line-up plans for each game would keep the opponents always on their toes. It was definitely something to consider, he would need to talk it through with the team at the next practice. 

The Bludger comes flying back and Lucas quickly sends it away, grinning widely. 

James shakes his head with a smile and watches as Quinn and Finn come flying back to him after another successful shot. They high-five him, beaming happily. 

Down in the stands, James notices Sirius and Remus loudly cheering and Peter holding up a giant Gryffindor flag. He waves at them before quickly returning to the game. 

He's far enough from the stands that he can't even hear anyones thoughts. Can pretend that everything is normal. 

He almost doesn't want it to end. 

The Slytherin Keeper throws the ball back in the game and the fight continues. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


“ Keeper Izumi Kimura missed the ball by a few inches and Slytherin scores!” exclaims the commentator Felix Lee, his voice filling the stadium. The Slytherin side of the arena cheers loudly. 

“ The ball is now back in Gryffindor possession. Chaser Finn is flying, he passes the ball to Potter, who - an incredible move! With precision Reverse pass Potter sends the Quaffle flying back to Quinn! Quinn avoids Travers and Darkwood! She is about to score - But the slytherin chaser Crabbe crashes into her! Who will win the Quaffle? Quinn is still holding on onto the ball - ” 

James speeds over to them, the commentators voice washing away. He barely avoids another Bludger aiming straight for his head with a spin. He tries to blink the sudden dizziness away and does so just in time to catch the ball Quinn sends his way. 

Darkwood is now heading straight to him, her eyes narrowed and speaking murder. 

James turns sharp left and continues flying even as his vision gets blurry. He sees a flash of red and throws the Quaffle in what he hopes is his team mate's way. 

“ The ball goes to Finn!” James hears the commentator say, but his voice is quieter, muffled. In his rush to get away with the Quaffle, he's gotten too close to the stands. The pressure in his mind escalates.

_Is he really the Captain? He flies the worst out of all of them._

_Potter is dragging them down._

_Who even let him on the pitch? Even my grandma plays better._

_I wish someone would hit him with a Bludger to the head_ _already_.

  
  
  


Blinking doesn't seem to work anymore, his limbs heavy and head throbbing with pain. His grip on the broom slips. 

James looks down.

His hands are shaking. 

He tries to stop them, but they don't listen. 

He barely manages to grip the handle of his broom before a Bludger crashes into him and knocks him out cold. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


There are voices everywhere around him. They sound frantic, worried, but the words don't make any sense to him. 

James tries to blink but his eyelids are too heavy.

Everything seems hazy, his own thoughts no more solid than steam and jumbled together so badly he barely knows his own name.

The darkness surrounds him once more. 

He doesn't try to fight it. 

  
  
  
  
  


  
  


Someone is squeezing his palm in a tight grip, James realizes a beat or twenty later. _Sirius_ , his mind supplies without a doubt, body automatically relaxing.

Slowly the sound starts to filter in. He hears voices, different this time, but familiar. 

James tries to open his eyes, but the lights are too bright, even though they have obviously been dimmed. He tries again. 

He must make a sound, because suddenly he hears his name being repeated a lot. 

Slowly, the words start to make sense again. 

" James! Can you hear me?!” 

James is blinking rapidly, trying to get used to the sudden light. His lips pull into a weak smile when he recognises the three faces looking down on him. 

" Pretty sure the whole school can hear you, Pads." 

Sirius chuckles, his shoulders visibly sagging with relief, " Merlin, Prongs, you have no idea how much you scared us."

Peter nods, brows furrowed heavily, it's an unusual look on him, " If Dumbledore didn't cushion your fall with a spell you would have been just a James-shaped pancake, mate."

James gives a weak chuckle at that. He winces a little when a sharp pain shoots from his side.

" I will go call Madam Pomfrey,” Remus declares, probably noticing his grimace. He's out the door before James can protest. 

" The match, did we win?"

Sirius nods, " Yeah, by five hundred points.” 

_Not like James did much to help, if anything he sabotaged the game. The team did much better after he left the pitch._

James knows he can't be mad at him for his thoughts, especially not when they're just truth he doesn't want to hear. 

He _knows_ his team doesn't need him. But to hear even his best friend think that hurts even more.

Hell, he would do them all a favor if he resigned...maybe he should. If anything, today's match proved what he already thought. 

  
Madam Pomfrey comes in only a few seconds later, uncompromisingly shooing the rest of the boys out of the Medical Wing. 

They all wave at him, smiling encouragingly and saying they will come visit soon. 

“ Please sit here, dear, “ Madam Pomfrey points to the edge of the bed, smiling kindly, “ I will examine how well did the first potion I gave you work.” 

James complies, wincing as he sits up, the pain multiplying as he tries to move to the edge of the bed. 

_Serves him right for wasting potions that could be used on other students._

She smiles again and tells him to extend his hand. James hates this, he hates it so much. 

  
  


(He thinks he might hate himself more.)


	5. Chapter 5

James has spent the last few hours mindlessly staring and counting the cracks in the infirmary ceiling. He got to 546 before he grew so bored he had to stop. That and the fact no ceiling should have this many cracks. It was kind of concerning if he’s being honest. 

James sighs and the sound echoes around the otherwise silent room.

The lack of sounds is disorienting, uncomfortable. As strange as it sounds James is too used to being surrounded by noises.

The hallways are always loud, filled with never ending chatter and laughter. Classrooms are quieter, but there is always some murmur carrying around the class, quick whispers and muffled laughs, the rustle of pages, the distant sounds of footsteps and voices as other students walk down the corridors to their next class.

Even when he goes to sleep in the dorm, he can still faintly hear other students talking in the Common room, can hear Sirius turning and mumbling in his sleep, can hear Remus repeating the day's curriculum under his breath before he falls asleep. Can hear Peter waking up three times in the same night and shuffling for the bathroom, cursing Merlin's mother when he trips over something. But here, nothing. 

Drops of water keep dropping from a nearby faucet with painstaking slowness. It's the only sound in the room and James hates it.

He would hex that stupid faucet it only if he had his wand. But no, it's still lying on his truck in their dorm, right where he left it when he was getting ready for the match.

And even worse, he found himself reaching down to his pocket for the two-way mirror two times already, only to realise a beat later that he had his quidditch gear on and it didn’t even have _any_ pockets. 

James sighs again. 

Another droplet falls. 

The silence is suffocating.

He stares at the empty beds around him. No one else is in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey disappeared into her office three hours ago and hasn’t emerged since. She _did_ say to call her if he needed anything, but after hearing her thoughts, James doesn't want to bother her anymore than is absolutely necessary which leaves him here. Doing nothing. Waiting. 

James glances at the quickly darkening sky outside and digs his teeth into his bottom lip. 

Even amidst all of the chaos that was happening during the last week, James made sure to keep track of the days left before Remus’ next transition. That meant he was certain, even without having to see the bright white crystal ball outside, that today was the day. And well... He couldn’t abandon Remus when he needed him, could he? This was one of the few ways he could actually give back to his friend, be useful for once. He was getting out of here. He had to. 

Making his mind, James throws the white covers off his feet and gets up.

The potions and cream Madam Pomfrey gave him have done wonders, there is no trace of the pain he felt just hours before. He moves a few steps, hesitant, then quickens his pace when the dizziness from before doesn’t return. It’s almost laughable, but after getting hit with a Bludger and falling down on the ground, James feels better than he has in the past week. 

He makes it to the doors of Pomfrey’s office and gives a few short knocks before pulling the handle. 

“ Madam Pomfrey? I need to leave. I’ve got a detention I can’t miss with McGoogs and you know how she is about punctuality. Can’t afford to disappoint her and all that.” He shrugs and sends her his best smile.

Pomfrey to her credit, doesn’t look very surprised. Over the last few years, she has witnessed James sneaking out with a broken arm during his third year and trying to join a Quidditch match, saw Sirius climbing up a rope made of curtains out of the Hospital Wing window and saw Peter accidently falling down that same window when he tried to climb after Sirius and triped. 

She only raises an eyebrow and sets down her tea cup, “ You seem to have an awful lot of detentions, Mr Potter.” 

James nods with utmost seriousness, “ My mum says the same,” 

The corner of Pomfrey’s lip twitches, then spreads into a smile, “ Well, I can’t keep you here, dear. Your wounds are healed, but I still think you should still stay here a little longer and rest. You would be excused from all your duties and classes for tomorrow of course. And I can talk to Minerva about today.”

“ I think I would go mad if I stayed here any longer,” James admits, “ Thank you for healing me, but I would really rather get back to normal.” 

Pomfrey gives him another long look, before sighing. James gets the impression she does that far too often around him. 

“ Alright. But do be careful.” She takes a sip of her tea, smiling a little, “ I must say I’m surprised you stayed this long, I would have thought your friends would have tried to get you out for dinner by now.”

Me too, James thinks, something heavy settling on his chest.

It became a tradition of sorts, sneaking out the Marauder that was stuck at the Hospital Wing out for the dinner. If that wasn’t possible, they brought the dinner to them. James very vividly remembers all the times they’ve got scolded by Pomfrey for feeding sick Peter fried chicken or for bringing Remus a bar of chocolate after one of the harder Moons. 

And Sirius, Sirius always brings him chocolate frogs instead of dessert, and James does the same for him.

It's more than just a chocolate frog to them. That ordinary piece of chocolate marks the day they first met on the Hogwarts Express all the way in their first year.

Sirius looked so small that day, so afraid, so curled into himself, like he didn’t expect anyone would want to talk to him. James remembers sitting across him and trying to figure out a way to start a conversation, somehow choosing him from all the other loud boys in the compartment as the one he wanted to befriend.

He remembers pulling out a chocolate frog that his mum gave him as a parting gift at the station and thrusting it into Sirius’ hands in a desperate attempt to try and talk to him. Remembers the way Sirius’ eyes had widened with awe and the way his lips pulled into a bright smile and the way he kept the little box in his hands for the rest of the train ride but never opened it. He hadn’t moved from James’ side since. 

James always wondered why that was. There never was nothing special about him, even if he tried to pretend otherwise. Seems like they started to realise that too. 

He realises Pomfrey is still looking at him, a small but sharp line between her brows, her smile gone. James shrugs again, then quickly deflects with a joke. It seems to work well enough. 

James is already turning to the door when Pomfrey calls out to him. 

“And I better not see you here for at least a good two months, Mr Potter!” 

To not waste potions, James remembers that way too well. 

On the outside, he laughs and promises to take care of himself. He exits the Hospital Wing shortly after, not wanting to tempt his fate and Pomfrey’s patience with him. 

  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He finds the Marauders in the Common Room. It looks like they were just leaving, but they stop in their tracks when they see him. 

“ Hey,” James says, smiling tentatively as they stare at him. A moment passes and James suddenly becomes more and more aware of himself. Should he smile more? Sirius said his smile looked weird, maybe he should tone it down? But he doesn’t want to look arrogant either and -

Sirius barrels onto him, pulling him into a tight hug and James’ mind shuts down.

Sirius holds him like he does after he has a bad nightmare, like he’s afraid James is going to disappear or something.

James allows himself to enjoy the moment, to close his eyes and breathe in the familiar scent of earth after rain and strawberries. Sirius is warm and even in a full room of other students James feels so secure, so safe that he never wants to let go.

“ I _know_ Pomfrey said you would be fine,” Sirius mutters into James’ neck, sending shivers down his spine, “ but you should have seen the fall you took. It was terrifying, James.”

Without meaning to, his eyes start to sting.

Sirius still cares. Likes him enough to worry. Maybe he really can salvage this. He just has to try harder.

“ Hey,” James says just as quietly, voice wavering a little. He pulls away just enough so that they can look at each other, but not far enough so they would have to let go, “ I’m fine, all healed up now, okay? Not a scratch on me.” 

Sirius’ eyes scan his whole body before looking back at him, grey eyes meeting brown. His arms fall onto James’ waist.

“ You sure?” his voice is strangely small.

“ Yeah,” James nods and tries his best to not look too whipped, “ I’m all ready for our...Hogsmeade trip.” 

“ I’m glad you’re fine now, Prongs,” Remus says from somewhere behind Sirius, “ but I’m not sure you should be joining today on our _trip_. You should rest.” 

_I’m sure that healing that injury must have taken a lot of energy out of him. If he goes today, things might turn south just because he won’t be cautious enough. I won’t take responsibility if he screws something up again. I always have to clean up his mess and I’m sick of it._

James winces a little, but he knows Remus is not wrong. He steps away from Sirius’ warmth, hands falling to his sides as he turns to look at Remus. 

He knows he should probably listen to not make Moony even angrier with him, but he’s already made up his mind. 

“ No offense, Remus, but I’m going. Even if I turn out to not be much of a help, three people are better than two, right? ” 

“ …You’re right. Thanks, Prongs.” 

_He never takes a no for a no does he? I’m not in the mood to argue so let’s just get it over with. It’s true this way he’ll be at least a bit useful for once._

Remus smiles and James tries to smile back. He’s not sure he succeeds but he thinks he’s getting better at it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
TUESDAY (Day nine ) 

When James enters the changing room, everyone quiets. James can feel their eyes on him, burning into his skin as he puts his broom into his locker. 

_Can't believe he almost made us lose the last match._

_He's always so arrogant, acting like he's the best. I hate it so much._

_I wish we could kick him off the team._

He's barely out of the door when they start whispering again. James pretends like he doesn't notice. He balls his hands into fists to try and stop them from shaking. 

If he was stronger he would leave the team, but James has always been too selfish. 

He can't imagine not playing with them. Can't imagine watching the matches only from the sidelines. Can't imagine losing that feeling he gets whenever his team nails a perfect shot through the hoops or when Kingsley catches the Golden Snitch. Can't imagine losing the thrill he feels in his veins when the match is nearing its end and they suddenly turn the score around and win the match in the last second.

Losing all that feels like losing a part of who he is. 

  
He starts to enter the changing room only after everyone else has already left. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


THURSDAY (Day eleven) 

“ - no I’m not sure that will work. Maybe we should try that blue dye instead?”

“ That sounds perfect! It will look completely ridiculous!” Peter exclaims loudly, obviously not caring that they should be quiet in the library. 

James chuckles as Remus slaps his hand over Peter’s mouth, reprimanding him just as loudly. 

Sirius is sitting opposite of them, book in his hands and legs on the chair next to him. He looks up as James comes closer to them and sends him a grin, rolling his eyes and nodding his head towards now fighting Remus and Peter. James grins right back, something he’s been trying to stop even since Sirius said it looks weird when he smiles, but hasn’t been able to. He feels the smile freeze on his face and Sirius must notice it too because his lips pull into a firm line. Thankfully he doesn’t say anything, only takes his feet off the chair, making space for him. James thanks him by a quick touch at Sirius’ shoulder and sits down just as Remus finally calms down and lets go of Peter. 

“ You guys are like a bunch of kids,” Sirius proclaims with a sigh, tossing his book aside. There’s a teasing tilt to his voice, but Peter still pouts. 

“ I was just being excited about the plan..”

“ What plan?” James asks, now excited as well. It has been a while since they’ve done any pranks and it might just be exactly what he needs to take his mind off things. He leans a bit more forward on his elbows, eager to hear what they came up with, only to notice Peter fidgeting a little.

“ It’s still not fully decided. We need to figure out the details and all -” 

“ I can help with that.” 

“ Yeah, but we...ugh..."

" You what?"

"We wanted it to be a surprise for you.” 

Sirius raises an unimpressed eyebrow Peter’s way, “ Won’t be a surprise now, will it, Pete?” 

“ Well.. yeah.” Peter deflates.

“ Let’s just start with the Potions homework,” Remus says, “ We can talk about the prank later.” 

Peter whines, “ Do we have to?” 

“ It’s pretty difficult, it would be best if we start now.” 

“ Really Moony?” James asks, “ Since when are homeworks difficult for you?” 

He completely misses whatever Remus answers, because he’s too focused on Sirius’ voice inside his head. 

_It’s difficult because he actually has to do them, not just copy. James should have at least the decency to not bring it up when he’s leeching off him._

“ - so it would be best to start now.” Remus finishes. _Why does he of all people ask? He wouldn’t be able to do the homework on his own in a hundred years without my help._

For once, James doesn’t feel sad. No, the hurt turns into anger. 

“ I can do my _own_ homework,” he hisses, “I don’t need your bloody help.” 

“ What?”

Remus gapes. Sirius sits up a little straighter. The pencil falls from Peter’s hand and loundly rolls onto the floor. 

Right, he responded to a thought. Well, whatever. He was sick of all that two-faced bullshit. 

“ I said I can write the essay on my own.” 

Remus holds up his hands as if trying to calm a wild animal, “ I’m sure you can.”

_I saw the crap he turns in for essays, that’s one of the reasons why we started these group study sessions. Couldn’t have him bringing our house points down and embarrassing us in front of the whole school._

“ What does that mean? Do you think just because I’m worse at Potions than you that I’m completely stupid?!” 

“ Prongs-” Sirius reaches out for him but James jerks away from the touch. He scrambles to his feet. 

Peter looks at him with wide eyes. 

_He’s finally taking the hint and leaving? Good. Maybe now we can actually get some work done without him holding us down._

Remus is saying something but James ignores it. He tries to swallow down the anger, but the hurt that comes up is even worse. The familiar sting in his eyes returns. James grabs the strap of his bag tighter, knuckles turning white. 

“ I’ll see you guys after dinner.” 

He barely makes it down the corridor and into a bathroom before he breaks down.  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

  
SUNDAY (Day fourteen) 

“ Prongs, could you explain this to me?” Peter asks, startling James who almost drops the golden snitch he was playing with only a few moments earlier. 

“ What?” 

“ Will you help me?” Peter tentatively holds up his textbook, “ I wasn't exaggerating when I said I don't get today's material at all. It's too complicated. Why are there so many wizarding laws about the use of dark magic anyways?” 

James scoots a bit closer to him, setting the golden snitch away and taking the book from Peter's hands. His eyes fly across the page, and he hums. 

“ Why did you take Advanced Magical Laws And Their Effects then?” 

Peter flushes, “ It sounded cool.” 

“ Idiot,” James rolls his eyes, but the motion is fond, “ Look, you're thinking about too literally. It's best to take someone as an example. The crazier the better, that way you'll at least remember that.” 

“ Like who?”

“ I don't know. " james shrugs, "Dumbles.”

“ Dumbledore is too kind for black magic, Prongs, he looks like he could open up a bakery.” 

“ Just try it. Imagine he died his glorious beard and turned to evil. What would happen if he tried to hex one of the students with dark magic?” 

Peter stops snickering and thinks for a moment, “ Some of the teachers would try and stop him.”

  
“ Right,” James says, pointing to the book, “ Other wizards of age are permitted to use force in order to stop and detain him. What else? What would they do next?” 

“ Ehm...I guess, McGonagall would have to call the Ministry? So they could take him to Azkaban?” 

“ Straight to Azkaban?” James asks, raising an eyebrow. “ And for how long? Who would decide that? Ms. Norris? ”

“ Oh right! First there would have to be a court session to decide his sentence!”

James nods, “ And what would happen if he used an animal to do his bidding?”   
  


“ They would get thrown in jail too?” 

James smacks him with the book, “ Be serious.”

“ But I'm not Sirius,” Peter grins, using the old pun again. “ But fine, it's a trick question. There are no laws regarding animals that were coerced.” 

“ And what about house elves?” 

They continue for a little while, James asking questions until he's sure Peter understands the material better.

“ Got it now?”

“ Yeah,” Peter beams, hugging the book to his chest, “ Thanks Prongs.”

_'I have to ask Remus to explain this to me later, I don't really trust Prongs understands this as well as he thinks he does.'_

James grits his teeth together, irritation seeping through him.

“ Why did you ask me for help then?” 

Peter blinks, “ What?”   
  
  


James lets out a sigh. Right. Responding to a thought, he should stop doing that. 

He gathers his things, hastily shoving them back into his bag, “ Nothing, forget about it.” 

  
  


TUESDAY (Day sixteen) 

The spell still hasn’t gone away. 

James has spent hours and hours researching the hex, but wasn’t able to find anything useful. 

Even a four hour long trip to the restricted section of the library under the cover of his invisibility cloak didn’t bring any new information. If anything, it only made him miss on sleep, which he wasn’t getting enough of even as it was. 

What was more concerning, James was pretty sure the hex was getting worse. He heard thoughts more often now, and while the terrible headache thankfully didn’t return, there were times where everything around him spinned more than it should or where the edges of his vision darkened. 

He briefly thought about cornering Snape and forcing him to reveal the spell, possibly bully him into making it go away, but ultimately decided against it. From what Snape said, it sounded like the spell had to run its course before it would disappear and even madam Pomfrey wasn't able to detect anything wrong when she healed him.There was one other reason…but James didn't want to think about that right now.

He's taken out of his thoughts when Evans slides into the empty space next to Remus and beams at them. James pretends that he doesn’t notice her smile dim as she looks at him. 

They haven’t really talked since that time in the hallway, even their school patrols have been uncharastically silent. Then again, it was usually James who was doing all the talking and Evans only answered him. She tried to strike up a conversation on Tuesday, hesitant but smiling, but her thoughts let James know she wasn't interested in what he had to say. James doesn't understand how he could have thought they were friends when all of the signs of her not wanting to talk to him were always there. 

Still, James smiles at Lily, wide and bright, like nothings wrong. He's not about to let his own problems get in a way of his friends' happiness. He owns that much to Remus, even if he already learned that Remus doesn't really consider him a friend, but more of a nuisance.

“ Did Remus' looks bewitch you to finally join us?” he asks teasingly, because she's been circling around their table every morning for the past few days, before always uncertainly sitting with her friends a few tables over.

Evans lets out a startled laugh, “ You know it, Potter.”

She leans to press a kiss to Remus' cheek and smiles widely when Remus blushes bright red but lets her press another kiss to his mouth.  
  


  
Peter covers his eyes, groaning in annoyance, “ Guys come on, not again. I'm eating.” 

Sirius just laughs and sneaks another piece of apple off from James' plate. 

  
James shoves him with an elbow to the ribs at which Sirius laughs even harder. 

James thinks maybe he can do this.  
  
Pretending like he doesn't know is better than losing all his friends for good. 

  
  
  


THURSDAY (Day eighteen) 

Even though James heard Remus and Peter complain about it in his head, he couldn't refuse when Sirius asked him if he wanted to join them on a prank. 

Which brought him here, running through the school's dark corridors with Sirius at his side and Flitch at their heels.

  
Somewhere down the left hall, James hears Peter squealing loudly.

They've decided into pairs when fleeing, but Flitch didn't even hesitate and send Ms. Norris after Peter and Remus and started running after James and Sirius.

  
“ Just wait till I catch you, you rascals!” Flitch screams after them, his voice slowly getting further away as his bad leg slows him down.

James and Sirius take the right corridor. They know well enough Flitch knows many short cuts that run through the castle and there's no doubt in their minds that he will try to cut their way to the Common Room. 

“ The passage Quickly!” Sirius shouts more than whispers and pulls the door. 

James opens his mouth in protest but he's already being shoved inside before he can say something.

  
Just in time. Loud steps sound outside in the hall, running around their hiding place.

  
James looks up. The place they're in used to be one of the shortcuts, a small and narrow corridor into the seventh floor until two months back when someone blocked the exit upstairs with a giant statue.

  
“ Damn it,” Sirius whispers, probably realising the same, “ I thought that was the next door.”

  
“ It's not like we're staying long anyway,” James whispers back, “ Flitch will get tired soon, it's way past his bedtime.”

Sirius snickers, “ The face he made when he saw Ms. Norris was pink. Priceless.” 

_'If James didn't screw up he wouldn't even notice us.'_

James gives a weak laugh, “ Yeah, but next time leave the honors of painting her to someone else. I think she has an allergy to me or something. Always hisses whenever I'm near.” 

“ At least she didn't try to scratch you,” Sirius pouts, shoving James the bright red scratch at the centre of his palm. 

“ You big baby,” James teases, but reaches for his hand anyways inspecting the cut.

It doesn't look bad, James concludes with relief, fingers lightly trailing across Sirius' palm.

He looks up when he feels Sirius shiver, frowning, “ Are you cold? I told you to wear your robes.”

  
  
Sirius flushes a little, probably embarrassed James was right. He looks down at their hands and James follows his gaze. His eyes widen when he realises he grabbed Sirius' hand in his own, entwining their fingers. 

“ Sorry,” he whispers, cheeks pink and tries to pull his hand away, but Sirius doesn't let him.  
  


“ Not so fast, Prongs. You're my personal furnace now.”  
  


He grins widely and James punches him in the shoulder but lets his hand stay where it is, returning Sirius' grip.  
  
  
  


They stay there for a couple of minutes, talking quietly, until Sirius laughs too loudly at a remark James makes and James freezes as he hears footsteps down the hall. Before he can think it through, he reaches out, tugging his hand out of Sirius' grib a spreading it across his mouth, silencing him.

  
Sirius' eyes widen and the footsteps grow closer. 

  
James' heart pounds in his ears as he hears Filch open up a nearby door, then another.   
  


Thankfully, he seems to be getting further away, the noises he makes growing fainter and fainter until they're once again left in silence.

“ Sorry,” he whispers, finally looking back from the door to Sirius, only to find him already looking. James only now realises how close they're, breath mingling together, so close that if Sirius turned his head, their noses would brush against each other. 

James knows he should step away, put distance between them, but he can't, his body won't listen to him.   
  
  
Slowly, he lets his hand fall away, fingers lingering on his cheek for a little longer than they probably should before sliding to dance along his jaw and down his neck, light enough to seem just like an accidental touch. 

Sirius stands so still, James is pretty sure he's not breathing anymore. James isn't sure he's breathing himself, the depths of Sirius' eyes drowning his ability to think straight.  
  


He finds himself moving closer, even as his mind screams at him to move away before he screws everything up.

“ James,” Sirius breathes and James moves closer, hands shaking, heart pounding as he finally brushes his lips against Sirius'.

For one terrible second, he's sure he made a terrible mistake.

Then Sirius makes a sound in the back of his throat, almost a whine before he's kissing back, his hand coming to the back of James' neck and running through the hair there. 

James shivers at the touch, hand bunched in the front of Sirius' shirt.

They seperate for a moment to catch their breath and then they're kissing again, their bodies pressing closer, the kiss turning more urgent. James gasps as he feels Sirius' tongue on his lips and Sirius takes the opportunity to slip it into his mouth.

His hand trails across James' side, making him shiver, his fingers grabbing onto James' hand, fitting their fingers together and slowing down their pace into something gentler. 

“ You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that,” James whispers when they part away, breathless and giddy.

" I think I have an idea," Sirius smiles.  
  
  
‘ _I feel so bad for him.’_

James freezes as Sirius' words echo loudly in his head, mocking him. 'I think I have an idea?' Did that mean Sirius knew about his pathetic pining all along? 

_‘I'll do it if Prongs needs it, but I don't want to -’_

James tugs himself out of Sirius's hold, stumbling away.  
He almost crashes into the wall but quickly steadies himself with shaking hands.   
  


“ James?”  
  


There's blood rushing in his ears and his heart is beating too loudly, too painfully. Sirius never said he liked him. 

James feels the familiar sting in his eyes.  
He should have known. Should have known this was too good to be true. That it was nothing but pity.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, forcing the tears away. When he opens them again Sirius is still staring at him in confusion.

“ Prongs?” he repeats, his gaze moving across James' face. 

James fakes a smile, “ I think we can go now. Filch should be long gone.”

Sirius hesitates but then nods, his arm falling onto James' shoulder as they leave the corridor. James can feel it burning even through his robes. The once familiar warmth now a reminder of his failure. He just had to go and screw up the only real friendship he had, didn't he? 

  
“ Are you okay?” he asks once they're out and James kind of wants to laugh.  
  
  


He hasn't been okay in a while.

  
  
“ Sure,” he lies, ignoring the sound of his breaking heart, “ Let's get back to others.”


	7. Chapter 7

SATURDAY ( Day twenty) 

James spent the last few days pretending that there wasn't a giant dark void inside his chest.   
It went better than he thought it would, but then it wasn't like anyone really cared anymore.   
He and Sirius didn't really talk about what happened, but Sirius kept close to James, always staying near him, touching him more than was necessary.

It made James feel both better and worse.

Being near him was natural, easy as breathing. James could almost close his eyes and pretend like the events of the last few weeks didn’t happen if he tried hard enough. Could almost feel himself pressing back into the touch, letting himself melt into Sirius’ side whenever he came close and threw his arm around him. 

But anytime he thought about  _ that _ moment, it left a strong acid taste in his mouth, similar to the badly brewed potion he accidentally drank in his third year. 

“ What are you thinking so hard about, huh?” 

Sirius leans into James' side, his fingers trailing lightly across James' forearm. 

He’s always been doing that. Touching, invading his space, hiding his smile in the curve of James’ shoulder. But there was something different about it recently, each touch of his fingers lingering for longer than they used to on James’ skin. It makes James' head spin dangerously. 

“...Nothing,” James shakes his head, his eyes zeroed in on the textbook in his hands.

“ Really? Because I’m pretty sure you haven’t turned a page in the last ten minutes.” 

“ That’s not-” James colours, realising it was, in fact, true, “ Whatever. Like you can talk. You’ve just been watching me instead of doing your own homework.” 

“ It’s not my fault you’re so pretty.” 

James almost chokes and quickly tries to hide it behind a cough, his cheeks flaming. 

“ Stop teasing,” he says weakly, because that’s all there is. All that it will ever be. “ Pretty sure anything is more interesting than homework to you, Padfoot.” 

Sirius shrugs, looking oddly pleased. He looks down at their hands, his fingers slowly trailing up James' arm, leaving fire in their wake. 

James swallows heavily as Sirius looks up through his eyelashes, eyes dark and inviting.

James knows he should move away, before he does something stupid like kiss him again, but all his thoughts stop as Sirius leans a bit closer - 

There’re sudden loud noises from the hallway and Sirius groans, falling back next to James on the bed and putting back the distance between them that should have been there all along. 

“  _ Idiots _ , I swear to Merlin we’re friends with idiots,”

A second later the door to their dorm room opens and Peter comes in, carrying a pile of sweets in his hands. He freezes almost comically when he sees them, the expression on his face twisting into guilt as his gaze falls on Sirius. 

“ Sorry, Padfoot, I forgot that- “ 

“ Yeah, I can see that, Pete, ” Sirius says and he sounds almost bitter, “ One would think I’m asking you to take down a troll instead of just minding your own business and staying out of a dorm for a few hours.” 

“ Right,” Peter nods, pouting.

He looks a little lost for a moment then his face brightens as he holds up the sweets, “ At least I’ve got this? I met that house elf we saved in the Forbidden Forest and she insisted I have to take this.” 

James coughs a little, the flush on his face finally disappearing. 

“ Sounds good, Pete.” 

Absently he licks his lips and misses the way Sirius’ eyes follow the motion.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


MONDAY ( Day twenty-two) 

  
  


“ Are you looking forward to the next match, James?” Lily asks, smiling brightly as their little group walks down the corridor to their next class. James guesses she stopped using his surname to make it look like they're actually getting along.    
  


“  Lily ,” Remus gasps and presses a hand to his chest in an overly theatrical show of horror, “ You broke the First Rule. _Never_ ask Prongs about Quidditch. If you do he won't stop talking about it.” 

He sounds teasing, his lips pulled into a smile and James triest to pretend that’s all that it is, just a joke.

Lily scoffs, “ Let your friend talk, Remus.” 

Her bright green eyes turn to him, waiting for his answer even as Peter and Sirius chuckle at Remus' over the top reaction. James doesn't get how she is so good at acting like she cares what he has to say.

“ Here it comes,” Peter snickers as James opens his mouth.   
  


James forces down his answer, plasting on a smile. 

He never really minded their teasing before. But then, he never knew they were serious about it. Not until the spell opened his eyes. 

“ Yeah,” he says simply, “ It should be a good game. Ravenclaw has a great team this year.” 

Peter eyes him expectantly, like he fully expects him to go off for another five minutes, but James stays silent. He ignores Sirius' raised eyebrow or Remus' confused glance in his direction or the way Peter blinks rapidly with a puzzled look. Instead he changes the subject. 

  
“ I heard Flitwick is going to hand out a surprise quiz today.” 

Sirius grimaces. Lily bites her lip in thought and Peter groans, his whole frame deflating, “ Great. I knew I should have studied yesterday instead of going with you guys to the kitchens.” 

“  _ You  _ were the one who initiated the whole thing! “ Remus bickers back, because of course he does and Lily laughs at his agitated expression. 

And just like that, the previous conversation is forgotten. 

  
  


  
  
  


  
  
  
THURSDAY ( Day twenty-five) 

“ What do you think, Prongs?” Peter asks and James almost flinches in surprise. He wasn’t expecting anyone would want his opinion so he stopped listening half-way through their conversation.    
  


“ About what?” 

“ The prank,” Peter rolls his eyes, “ With the Giant Squid.” 

Remus brows furrow, “ You know, the one we’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes.” 

“ Sorry,” James says sheepishly, hand scratching at his neck, “ I got a little bit lost in my own thoughts. It’s a great plan.” 

‘ _ Whatever’ _ Remus’ voice sounds clear in his head, ‘ _ it’s not like anyone really cares anyways. We just need his help with the prank. It’s a bummer but it’s too big to pull it off in just three people.’ _

Even when he should be already used to it, the comment still hurts. 

“  _ Alright _ , that's it,” Sirius growls, his arm darting out to grab at James' wrist. James startles, but Sirius is already dragging him away from their wide-eyed friends and into the nearest empty classroom. 

Sirius lets him go once they're inside, but stays with his back towards the door. 

_ Blocking the exit _ , James realises,  _ damn it why does Sirius know me so well?  _

“ What the hell, Sirius? Charms start in a few minutes!”

Sirius shakes his head, unimpressed. James can clearly see the tension in the line of his shoulders, “ Flitwick can wait.” 

“ But what-” 

“ Don’t play dumb with me, Prongs, you know what this is about.” Sirius’ eyes meet his, lips pulled into a thin line. 

James swallows drily. 

Was this it then? Was this the moment he’ll finally be left alone? 

He knew it would come soon, but doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

Sirius crosses his arms, “ I've tried giving you space, I really did, but this has gone on long enough. We've all noticed you’ve been acting weird and you barely even sleep now, barely eat,” his voice is pained, eyes desperate and James doesn’t understand why, “ You don't even smile anymore. In fact, I'm not sure I’ve even seen you smile  _ once  _ in the last week!”

“ I smile all the time,” James defends, something heavy curling in his chest.

“ Yeah, maybe, but it's fucking fake. It's not your  _ real  _ smile.”

_ ‘I should have realised sooner how fake you are. _ ’

James winces as he hears the words in his head and Sirius' eyes narrow. He accusingly points his finger, “ That! That exact face. One moment things are fine and the next you look like  _ that _ .” 

James' whole body starts to tremble.

“ I'm  _ trying _ , all right? I’m trying to change it but it’s not easy -”

“ Change? Why the hell - what are you talking about?”

“ Don't play dumb either, Sirius, you know exactly what I'm talking about.”

“ No, no I don't.” 

Right, James sighs. Sirius doesn't know that  _ he  _ knows. He's too good to say what he only thought straight to James' face.

“ Look, I just... I know I haven't really..” James licks his lips, throat dry, “ Haven't really been the friend that you deserve, but if you could wait, just a little bit longer, if you could give me just a little bit more time, I can - I can try, okay?”

He's aware, distantly, that he must sound a little crazy. 

His hands are shaking even more than his voice and he feels like he can't breath properly but he has to get through this. Sirius deserves to know the truth. 

For some reason though, Sirius doesn't look too happy with his admission. Instead his brows are furrowed.

  
“ Try  _ what, _ James?”

James swallows, the sound too loud to his own ears. 

There's no point in pretending anymore.

“ To not be myself.” 

  
Sirius stills. 

“ I've been getting better at it,” James continues quickly, “ and I'll try to push the feelings I have for you away, I will. I promise. I know it's not enough but -”

Sirius pushes him into the wall and James doesn’t try to fight back, letting himself fall until his back collides with the stone behind him. He barely manages to blink before Sirius is crowding into his space, eyes narrowed with anger. 

“ The hell?” Sirius hisses, his fingers clenching at James' shoulders almost painfully, fisting in the material of his robes, “ What are you talking about?” 

James pushes past the lump in his throat, and looks away, eyes stinging with tears he's afraid will fall any second, “ I’m sorry, I know you tried to like me but it's too hard. I don't blame you. I wouldn't exactly be a fan of myself either.”

Sirius' grip on him tightens, “  _ No _ , what the hell? Why are you saying all this? Who made you believe this?”

A stray tear makes its way down his face and James hastily wipes it away, but Sirius still notices.  James uses his stunned expression to sneak out of Sirius' grip, moving away from the wall and putting some distance between them. 

He notices Sirius opening his mouth so he quickly interrupts before he can get a word out. 

“ It's really okay I get it. You don't have to pretend to like me like that.” 

Sirius pales even as the anger in his eyes burns brighter, “  _ Pretend _ ? What the fuck James?” 

A laugh falls out of James' mouth, wet and choked.

He's really gonna make him say it? 

“ I know what you were thinking when we kissed,” he admits and hopes that's enough of an explanation, but for some reason Sirius looks ever more confused now, his frown fading away to a puzzled expression.

“ I don't get -” 

James takes a deeper breath to try and steel himself.

“ Remember how I was late into class a while back and I told you I ran into Snape?”

Sirius nods slowly and a puzzled expression crosses his face. 

“ Well, the truth is he managed to hex me with a spell that makes me hear what people really think about me. I guess it's some dark magic curse, because I wasn't able to find any mention of it anywhere.”

Sirius' whole face clouds faster than a sky on a stormy night, his hands balling into fists. The anger in his eyes is now bigger than an inferno and James is silently glad it's not directed at him. He's pretty sure there's no force that could stop Sirius when he has that look on his face. 

“ I'm going to _kill_ that fucker.” 

It's...not the reaction James expected. 

What he thought would happen was embarrassment, more pity, maybe a weak denial.

But, it sort of makes sense.

James knows Sirius likes him as a friend, hell, likes him enough to not shove him away in disgust when James kissed him. He probably wants to spare James' feelings some more by dealing with Snivellus first. 

He's always been stupidly considerate and protective when it came to James.

James should be glad Sirius still even wants to stay friends after what happened, he should, but it's heart when he can physically feel his heart breaking. 

“Don't,” James grabs at his arm just as Sirius turns towards the door, stopping him in his tracks,“ He's not worth it.” 

Sirius stills, body tense as he turns his head to look back at James. 

There's a deep line between his brows, his lips turned almost into a snarl, but he doesn't shake James' hand off, which James concludes counts as a win. 

He suppresses a relieved sigh.

Even though he would have liked to see Snivellus cursed or with a broken nose, he doesn't want Sirius to get in trouble for it.

Besides, there's one more thing he can't stop thinking about. Something that has been on his mind for a while. Something that he's unable to hold in any longer. The true reason he hasn't seeked Snivellus out and demanded he gets rid of the curse immediately.

“ It's not his fault no one likes me.”

There is only utter silence for a few seconds. 

Then, it's as if something in Sirius finally snaps. 

He whirls around, invading James' space once again as he steps closer. James stares as Sirius' eyes fly across his face as if searching for something, frowning heavily.

“ Tell me you don't believe that.” 

James stays silent. His heart beats heavily in his throat.

“ Are you crazy?! You think no one wants you around? That _no one_ likes you? Not even your team? Or the Marauders?” 

At James' silence, Sirius lets out a frustrated breath, “Not even me? You think _I_ don't like you?” 

At this James hesitates. Averts his eyes, “ Don't make me say it.” 

“ Do you think I like you or not?” Sirius presses, eyes intense.

“ You like me,” James says after a moment, steadily avoiding Sirius' gaze, “ just not in all the ways I want you to.” 

“ What?” 

“ You know what.”   
  


“ No I don't! Stop saying I do! I have no idea what's going on and it's making me go crazy. I thought we were good.” 

James looks up, his heart constricting painfully as his eyes fall onto Sirius' frustrated expression. 

“ James,  _ please _ . Talk to me.” 

James closes his eyes for a second, taking a breath, then forces himself to face the situation head on, because he's still a Gryffindor and has no sense of self preservation. 

“ I know you only kissed me back out of pity,” James forces out, each word tasting like ash and making his eyes wet with tears that he tries to blink away. Saying out loud makes him feel even more pathetic than before.

Sirius looks shocked for a second, more stunned than James has ever seen him. 

James watches as the expressions on his face change, emotions battling across his face for a moment before it hardens with resolve.

  
  


“ James,” Sirius says urgently as he leans in closer, eyes so intense it's hard to look away, “ I  _ worship  _ the fucking ground you walk on. Everyone knows that. “

James' heart stops, then starts again at double speed, thumping almost painfully. 

He wets his lips and watches as Sirius' eyes follow the movement before returning to his eyes. He doesn't dare to hope. Doesn't dare because if he's wrong - 

“ What?” he lets out, quiet and stunned and a little broken. 

The voice in his head stays quiet, but feels a distant pressure in his mind, like a rubber band stretching wider and wider. 

A hand trails across his face, soft fingers cupping his cheek, gently stroking the skin there. James watches with wide eyes and bated breath as Sirius leans closer, grey eyes boring into brown. 

“ When you kissed me in that corridor, I was pretty sure I died, because there was no way that  _ this  _ was the reality,” Sirius shakes his head a little, a disbelieving smile stretching across his lips, “ How could something I’ve been dreaming about for years actually happen? It didn’t feel real.” 

“ Sirius, don’t -” 

“ I’m not lying, James. Whatever hex Snape put on you, it sure as hell wasn't mind reading. Because if it was, you would know how much I love your smile, and your stupid ruffled hair and the way you are stupidly kind, even if you try to hide it.” 

“ And you would know,” Sirius continues, moving so close that their breaths mingle, his voice trembling a little, “that I can't think about anything else but kissing you whenever you get this close.” 

The corners of Sirius' lips pull up into a smile so fond it makes James' heart squeeze. 

“ You know, ever since that day on Hogwarts Express I knew I would follow you anywhere. It took me a while to realise my heart already did.” 

Inside James' mind, something breaks. A dull pain spreads in his head as the hex snaps, falling into hundreds of pieces.

James feels it distantly, not really caring as he surges forward, grabs Sirius by the nape and kisses him on the lips.  
  


When they part, James is sure the smile Sirius sends him must be brighter than the Sun. He mirrors it with his own giddy grin before he’s pulled in for another kiss. 

It’s not a suprise to say they don't make it to Charms that day.

  
And if the next day a group of Gryffindors anonymously reports a certain greasy-haired wizard to the Ministry for the use of Dark magic, well, no one can really prove that, can they? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for all the support! I really hope you all enjoyed this fic

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated


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